[film projector whirring]
[phonographic record crackling]
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game."
Sung by Edward Meeker, Edison Records.
[♪]
[music ends♪]
I know I've been outta town. I've missed a lot of games, but...
How's it going? You enjoying baseball?
Not really.
What do you mean, "not really?"
I'm just not good at it.
Not good at it? Yeah, I think you're good.
No. Out of every person on my team, I'm the worst.
Really?
I'm surprised. You must have a really good team,
then, if you're the worst.
Let me tell you something.
You gotta do a lot of bad, bad shows...
before you become a great comedian.
Do you know how many shows I did
that I stunk up the place?
I betcha a million. I bet you a million.
Literally, a million.
So, I think the more you play baseball,
- the better you're gonna be. - Yeah.
Just like me with comedy.
And who's funnier than your dad? Anybody?
- No. - Nobody!
- Right? - Right.
Am I the funniest guy you know?
Yup. Funniest guy...
Well, you're my favorite baseball player.
So there you go.
All right, go run ahead. I'll meet you up there.
Wait, wait, wait...
Your bat. All right?
All right.
[bouncy, jazzy organ music ♪]
Max Morris? Oh my God.
My girlfriend is gonna faint when she hears
Let me just get her on the phone.
- Hi. - Hi. All right...
Okay. No, no, no, no.
Guess, guess who's standing in front of me?
Yes.
The...your most favorite comedian world. Okay?
No. No...
Yes! Max Morris!
And he wants to talk to you.
No. He's, he's begging me. He wants to talk to you.
Wait. Hold on one sec. Here, here.
- Would you just say "hello," please? - No, no, no. Seriously.
My kid's playing in the game.
I gotta get going.
Please, it would mean so much to her.
No, I'm sorry. But have a nice day.
Really. Sorry.
Did you hear that bastard?
Let's hear some chatter out there! Phht!
[cheers and applause]
Learn to slide!
Let's go! Move it!
Slide! Slide! Slide!
Good job!
Come on!
[umpire]: Foul ball.
I got it! Mine! Mine!
Mine!
Mine, I see it!
Whoo!
Got it!
[indecipherable]
Good morning, Cub fans!
As Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, would always say,
"It's a great day for two."
[silence]
Um...couple of things... So please indulge me.
I have collated a nutrition binder.
I've taken some pictures of the homemade snacks
that I usually make. Umm...
And put together, just some ideas,
for you all to follow.
Could you just pass that around for me?
Take a look at this...
Umm...also.
Snack table.
We need 100% parent participation.
I need you guys...to participate. Max, Ava?
Eva is not here, it's just me.
All right, Max.
I've noticed that you have not participated yet.
Oh, Eva usually takes care of stuff like that.
Because little Jackie comes up to the table constantly.
I love him...and I love sharing, but...
Okay.
All right, Vicky Sue Fitzjiminy.
I'll be paying ya soon.
Rosie.
Right. Right. Rosie.
Marty? Marty??
Umm...During this window of time, I'm, uh,
legally not allowed to donate anything financially,
because of my, uh, business advisor.
But feel free to use my name, uh, as a donor.
And you can put me down for say, $100,
with a little star next to it.
Call me an "angel" or some...you know,
umm...at the top of the list.
And I'm good with that.
[whooshing sound] [metal bat hitting ball]
[sighs]
Uh, I don't think he wants to play.
I really don't think he wants to play.
I'm telling ya.
He wants to play.
He just doesn't wanna suck.
That's the problem. He sucks.
He does suck.
Gosh, he sucks... so bad.
It's okay, you weren't that good.
I wasn't that good.
And it all worked out.
I think back that I was better than I was.
[chuckles] Yeah...
I guess that's a normal thing to think that.
Yeah, but you weren't that good.
You were a pretty good fielder.
[clicks tongue] That's okay. You know what?
Don't worry about it.
Just go hang out with him.
That's really what kids want.
They wanna feel close to their dad. Just, you know...
play catch...go do something else.
Just hang out with him.
Just hang out. I can play catch.
I can do a million other things.
- A million things. - It doesn't matter.
- Yeah. - Just hang out with him.
He loves me. I love him. That's all.
I just don't wanna be one of those dads that, you know...
forces their kids to play stuff and, you know...
Let him do whatever he wants.
It's tough being a dad.
Yeah.
[dialogue fading in] I wanna applaud you for
your, your campaign, your fundraising effort.
Bravo. If it wasn't for people like you,
we'd have no money at all
and this, this great league couldn't continue. Thanks.
Coach Ambrose?
Um, I don't have my wallet on me.
But I would love to talk about that nutrition guide
with you after the game maybe.
Do you work out adults?
'Cause I'd like to get a card if you have one.
Oh yeah, we'll talk.
- Okay. - We'll talk after.
Umm...Angela.
Could you tell our great commissioner
of this wonderful league that he...
came up with the rules of 100% parent participation.
And I look, shockingly, he has not participated.
You know, he didn't give me a budget for that.
I'm, I'm just the kid's nanny, but... Sorry.
Okay, uh...
Our most progressive couple...
Caitlin, Sophie. Manuel's mama and... mommy.
- His name is Manny. - It's Manny.
Manny. Yes. I was wondering if he has any...
specific nutritional guidelines?
We could have some rice, some beans, some chips,
over at the snack bar, if need be.
Well, considering when we adopted him,
he was eating dirt off the floor of a hut, umm...
I think he's, he's, uh, he's doing just fine.
And, uh, just a suggestion for you.
If you spent less time taking pictures of food
and putting them into binders, and more time
doing useful things like, umm...
perhaps you could talk to the city about having
- less handicap spaces... - Mmm.
...for parking. So that real normal people could park
in the parking lot
I-I second the lady's motion there about
the handicap parking spots. They should either
eliminate the ones that aren't being used or
put on some kinda drive to get more
handicapped people to come out to the ball games.
That could be a lot of fun.
We could get them out on the field with games,
and just kinda stir up the enthusiasm.
I think we're good.
All right.
You are bat shit crazy.
You know, you're a big man...
- Hello ladies. How are ya? - Hello.
Marty, whaddaya say?
- Hey, hey, hey. - Max!
Max, how are ya?
Hiya, Harold. How you doing pal?
I'm well, thank you. How are ya?
I'm, I'm good. Good, good to see ya.
World of comedy good?
Are you still doing that bit about, uh...
with the chicken, and the broiled
and the baked chicken? Is that you?
No.
That's not you?
No, no. But thank you.
[stammering]
I happen to love comedy. I love watching you.
Yeah. Oh, hi honey.
Hi!
How are ya, Ava?
Hi, I'm good.
[stammering] Would you just mind to let Ava sit here?
I'm sorry. Come on, please.
Oh, thanks.
- Oh, hey. - Umm...
Sorry I didn't bring you a water.
- Hey Harold? - I'm fine.
You know what, I need to talk to Ava just
for a minute or two.
I'll, I'll, uh...
Okay.
I'll, I'll, but I'll come sit down in a little while,
later in the game.
It's nothing, It's nothing. It's good.
We'll talk comedy later.
Oh, geez. He means well.
- I know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah, pitcher, I know where your family lives!
Stop brushing my boy back!
And how about some more balls?
[umpire] Time!
That's a warning.
Warning? I'm a grown-up. I'm not in school.
I don't care, ass-dick.
[umpire] You're gone!
I'm gone! Hey everyone, I'm gone!
Come on man, come on!
What are you doing to me right now?!
- It's his fault! - You're killing me right now!
Hey! That's your dad?! That's your dad right there?!
Whoa, whoa. Lets not make this any messier than it already is.
Your dad's a jerk! Your dad's a jerk!
I'm nobody you need to mess with right now, okay?
Do you ever have a kid here?
Hey, touch me, I sue you, okay?
Hey, let's not make this messy in front of the kids.
- Who is this guy?! - Okay, let's go.
Who are you?!
Go away!
That's my son!
I'll be in the car Barneby!
Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
[sighs]
- Bye-bye. - Don't touch me.
You're outta here.
Whoa. Why would someone behave that way?
[stammering] This is an adult. An adult.
- So sad. - Seriously.
- Sad. - It's sad. It is sad.
And it's confusing. W-What is his private life like?
What are their private lives like
that make them act like this?
What are they missing in their lives
that make them act like idiots?
Unbelievable.
Seriously unbelievable. In front of the kids.
[indiscernible whispering]
All right, let's hear some chatter! Come on!
Let's get it up! Let's get it up!
Don't say, "let's get it up."
Let's get it up.
[distant chatter and clapping]
They're, they're a bit touchy. They're kinda nuts.
Wow, they're crazy.
I mean, everything offends them. So, everything!
I mean, what is wrong with these people?!
What is wrong with these people?
[yelling] What is wrong with these people?!
These people, right there!
Take this.
- Where are you going? - I'll be right back?
I gotta go talk to a man about a horse. I'll be back.
Are we waiting for you?
Wait for me!
Commissioner Gordon.
No talking to the commissioner before scores are official.
Okay? I'm gonna need you to step over here.
Right there.
All right.
You don't have to keep your eye on me, I'm not going to...
I know, I don't.
Forest, you can trust me.
You can go to the other side and I'll wait here.
It's okay, Max.
[laughing incredulously] Forest, I'm telling you...
Okay. You can keep telling me.
All right.
I don't work for you.
Is that a quadruple rainbow? [chuckles]
A quadruple rainbow? I've never seen one of those!
What would cause a quadruple...?!
The way.. Wait, that's impossible!
Pots of gold?!
Really? Pots of gold?
Pots of gold.
You're a comedian.
I am a comedian.
- Really? - Yeah.
So you're not that popular then.
I'm really into comedians and I think I would know if
you're a comedian, if you're a popular one.
No, I'm a popular comedian.
Not in the top 100.
Tell you what, not only am I in the top 100,
I'm probably top 20.
Top 20?
Top 20.
- Yeah. - Okay.
All right.
How many Twitter followers do you have?
About 100,000.
No, that's not top 20.
Score's official.
[yelling] Score's official!
Score's official.
Thank you, Forrest.
Thank you.
Max.
Hello Commissioner Gordon.
I would never think of calling you Steve, Commissioner...Gordon.
Commissioner Gordon...
[laughing hysterically]
If you see the Riddler or the [raising voice]
Catwoman, you and Chief O'Hara should...
It's really funny actually.
It's just something I love doing. Anyhow, uh...
I've decided that my next movie...hopefully...
There's a lot of steps involved in this.
I'm gonna be doing some research.
And the research I'm doing, I'm gonna be talking
to, uh, parents, uh, coaches, and uh...
everybody involved with my kids baseball team.
Like a documentary on the, the uh...the benefits of
SFV-LA baseball for, for young children...
Documentaries are big right now.
No, it's, it's a comedy.
A comedy.
Like a "how to" video for parents if they wanna get
their kids into SFV-LA baseball?
And the benefits of learning how to be a
team member, and the fundamentals of,
of building blocks for uh,
becoming a responsible citizen and a good adult.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that would be good.
You know...a little change of the subject here.
Your nanny is so ridiculously beautiful.
I don't even know how you...wow!
Well, Angela's the charge of my, my son, Bennett.
There's nothing sexual about her.
Oh, there's something very sexual about her. Yeah...
Sorry I brought that up. Okay.
All right, see you guys later.
Okay, just stay off the field, though. Please...
I'm not going back on, I know 'cause you water it...
We water it and then we do the chalk.
Stay off the diamond, Max.
I'm not going on the diamond.
I don't think that's such a great idea.
It'll be fun to spend time with the crazy parents.
I don't know about that, dad.
I...that's exactly what I was just gonna say.
I...listen, I would not opt to be with these people
on purpose, you know...
Well, you know, it's part, it's the hard part
of my job. It's the research.
It's the down-and-dirtiness of comedy,
is figuring out what you're gonna write about.
Sometimes grownups get really weird.
Grownups always get weird. Always.
Not sometimes. They're just weird.
Just think, "people are weird." They're weird.
What if I told you another little secret?
She's a bit weird. I'm a bit weird!
You have weird parents. You're not weird yet.
I don't want you to think that all grownups are insane.
Well actually, they are all insane.
Don't trust anybody over the age of, of...
22.
No, actually, ten.
Ten. Don't trust a 13-year- old, they're too worldly.
'Cause they all have their own phones and...
That's when it all breaks loose.
By the way, we're not doing that with him.
No, we're not doing that with you.
You know that, right?
Yeah, you have friends now who have phones, don't you?
Yeah, I know. That's a bunch of crap.
Not gonna happen.
Max, I'm not sure about spending more time than
is necessary with that crowd.
You know, I don't have to spend that much time
with them. Just a...few hours.
What?
Nightmare.
I'd be happy to help.
I have a lot of ideas for movies.
Okay, it's not...I just wanna talk and get to...
I wanna get to know the parents...
Here's my thing. Here's my thing.
- Yeah? - As long as it's educational
and instructive for the kids...
The kids learn... 'cause kids are sponges.
We were just talking about that.
How much like sponges they are.
And I will help write it, act it, shoot it,
I don't know how to do any of that stuff...
They just keep absorbing.
But I'll tell you what, I work at a copy shop,
in case you didn't know. And I think you did.
Uh, and we can make copies of he script there.
And then you can hand them out next week,
and we'll learn our lines and do it.
What's the title?
What's the script?
Well, no no, I don't know yet.
Is it from a book?
No, it's gonna be from the research that I do
when I spend time with...
What's the rating?
Oh, dear God. Oh, that's wrong.
What's up, guys?
He wants to uh, do, some research on my method
of uh, coaching. He's watching,
he's paid attention. I think he sees what I'm doing...
It's a great idea.
All right guys, talk to you later.
Right on, man.
Why is it, whenever he works with Rickey,
he's gotta take off his shirt?
He's hot.
The man gets hot, he wants to take his shirt off.
Did you ever hear of shirts and skins?
Yeah I've heard of shirts and skins, playing football.
He does it in life.
That's what it is.
Those who can do skins, do skins.
Those who can't do skins, they don't do skins.
- What side are you on? - I'm clearly on the shirts side.
See?
Except when I shower.
Work on the slide!
Because Jimbo says so, thats why!
Don't answer me back!
Run through the base!
Through the bases!
All right, so what I'm gonna be doing is that
I got the blessing from...
I got the blessing from Commissioner Gordon.
It's research for a comedy movie
that I might or might not even write.
So it might not even happen.
I'm just sort of getting to know everybody
and seeing if there's a movie there
about the parents and the coaches and such.
So you show up, do research,
interview everybody, for something that might not happen?
Yes. That's the first thing you nailed exactly.
Sounds like a waste of time to me.
Uh, if we don't win the championship,
I'm gonna pull the plug, so...
I'm not shooting a movie!
It's gotta end with us winning, or I'm not, uh...
- A waste of time. - ...approve.
I'm not gonna sign off on it.
Either of you wanna be interviewed?
- I do! - You do?
I'm doing you first. You're #1.
Number one on my interview list. First.
All right, see you guys later.
Hey, could I have, uh, everybody's attention,
just for one second. It's not a big deal. Umm...
As some of you...hey! Some of you know, uh...
I am a comedian.
And I have decided that there might be some...
material here ripe for comedy. I'm going to...
It's a lot of steps to it. But I'm gonna do some research,
spend some time with you, and umm...
get to know you a little bit. Uh...
for possibly my next movie project.
Excuse me, Orson Welles?
I have to go on record in front of all the other parents,
saying that I refuse to take part in this.
That's okay.
Good.
I'm not saying, "I don't wanna do it." I'm just...
I just wanna be clear because this hap...
I fell for this one ti...
This isn't one of those, you get in a room...
"You're so pretty, you're so pretty. Take your top off.
I'm gonna film you" kinda thing, is it?
That is so far from... my intentions...
What are some of the questions you'll be asking us?
You talking to me? You talking about me?
I'm talking to you, about your job, about your life...
Why would that possibly, possibly be of interest?
Well, we'll see after I talk... When I'm all done,
it could not be interesting. There's a great chance of it
not being interesting at all and I won't make a movie.
Well, I'm very excited. I'd like to go first.
Unfortunately,
I have offered that up to coach Jimbo.
Why?!
Because he's first, I talked to him first.
But I'm asking... I'm the first to ask.
I'll have undue pressure. I don't know,
I don't know what I'm gonna be talking...
Pressure from what?!
Because you're gonna be interviewing.
There'll be a camera in my face.
I'm not filming you.
I am just hanging out with you. There's no pressure.
Max, can I recommend an actress to play me?
Halle Berry.
And for Manny, I don't care who, who,
just as long as it's not one of the, the fuckin' Will,
one of Will Smith's kids.
Are we invited to the premiere?
This is very exciting.
Yeah. All right, I'm uh...I'm just...
Just watch them practice. I'm good. That's all I need.
Work on the slide, baby! Slide!
Thank you, Coach Ted. Thank you, everybody.
Uh, I guess whatever he asks me.
Get it up!
You didn't talk to anyone?
I have not talked to anyone.
I am talking to you first. No one has been talked to.
You are #1.
[exhales loudly]
This is it.
All About Printing.
The owners had a real uh... foresight, you know,
because they didn't wanna limit it. All About Printing.
So it can be printing, copies,
Anything that's about printing.
Anything! It's about, or even,
marginally associated with printing...
- We can do. - Mmm-hmm.
Or we can...potentially do.
We don't have, we don't necessarily do it now.
But it's uh, the hub. And this right here,
is my command center.
This is where I operate everything...
In this whole, everybody can hear me, see?
It's not so big that they can't hear me
So I can just shout from here
and everybody hears me. [bells chimes]
Everyone can hear that bell. No, no. No, no.
Oh.
I'm standing here
If you see the bell go off, or hear the bell go off,
and I'm standing here, you don't need to come up.
I'll handle the customer.
Oh, when my uncle hired me he told me...
Katie, put it away. [laughs]
And I'll tell you what, the reason that I coach
the kids, is because I'm in charge here, okay?
Mmm-hmm.
All About Printing.
And, it's...a...madhouse.
- It is a madhouse. - Mmm-hmm.
You know, and baseball is pastoral.
And it's quiet and it's calm, you know?
And the kids are out there, and they're dropping the ball,
and they're not hitting it and uh...
So it's not really about the kids,
it's more about you and getting your release.
Yeah, it's about getting the...it's about release
And it all comes from here.
All comes from working here.
And the customers that come in and...
Do you know something here?
Do you know the insurance bill on this place?
Let me tell you something, pal. Okay?
That machine right there, is German precision.
And it can print about...
[yelling] Hey, hey hey! You can't come back here!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to yell.
Stay behind that line, would ya?
- W-what, what line? - Imaginary line, right here.
From that counter to that counter.
Across. All right.
Stay behind it.
I'm right...I'm good.
- Insurance. - Mmm-hmm.
- Safety. -Mmm-hmm.
So I love get...hitting the field after a week of this,
Because of the runaround at this place.
and the pressure. The pres... Listen...
to the traffic out there.
You can hear every car and bus.
Hello sir! [rings bell twice]
You don't have to do that 'cause I already did it.
Stay back in the back!
Picking up my package.
Okay, what's your name, sir?
We usually put the...the orders. Oh, that's...
Is that it? Is that you?
That's not him. Take this back. Did you call earlier?
Yes I did.
Uh-huh. Who did you speak to?
Jimbo.
Well, that's me! [both laugh]
- Good to meet ya. - Hey.
- And I spoke to you? - Yes.
Hey! [paper crinkling]
- Great. - Right there!
I even signed it.
Oh, there's no coupon allowed with this. Sorry.
I don't have one to give you.
Because you ordered that two weeks ago...
And the coupon starts today,
but you can't use it 'til tomorrow.
Oh.
Come in tomorrow and get the same job for half price.
Thank you.
Thank you!
[door opens and activates chimes]
Beef goulash. It's my lunch.
I'm gonna have it as soon as you're,
as soon as you're done. Pretty hungry right now.
Well don't let me keep you.
Well, it's okay. It's just sitting here.
I don't leave it in back because, uh...
some of my food has gone missing.
A couple of cans of this,
I've found open and half gone.
And I'm not blaming you, Katie, and I'm not blaming Rick.
I'm not saying they did it.
That back door doesn't lock, so...
Well, why don't you fix it?
[clicks tongue] [exhales]
Seriously, you wanna go there?
[both laughing]
I'm just asking you why you don't fix it.
There's a woman involved.
First of all. You wanna hear it now?
Yeah, that doesn't change things.
I still wanna hear it.
You wanna...?
My brother Andy is a locksmith across the street.
Nothing peeves him off more than knowing
that that back door doesn't lock
and I ain't letting him fix it.
And I'm not letting anyone else fix it, either.
You wanna know why?
In high school...
Andy's three years younger than me.
I had a crush on a girl, okay?
I'm not gonna say her name,
but I circled her picture in the yearbook every year
and he knows it.
He went away to the navy after high school.
He was gone for two years, and I took this girl out...
on three dates.
And then he comes back and within
[yelling] two months,
they're getting married!
And I gotta do the invitations!
And I give him a discount. [forced laughter]
I'm sitting back here printing up invitations,
with her name on it and his name!
And a carnation!
That's a flower I don't care to look at...or smell...
ever again!
So when that door broke, when the lock broke...
He came over, "I'll fix that for ya."
"No thanks, Andy."
[smacks lips]
"What? I'll fix it. It'll take two..."
"No thanks, Andy."
It burns him. It burns... in his heart...
to know, that I'm not calling on him,
to fix that door.
And I don't let anyone else fix it, too.
I just leave it broken.
All right, I think I got everything I need.
[cheerful, jazzy music ♪]
Keep it moving!
Uh, Coach Ted, uh, just a moment.
How come there's so many practices lately?
This isn't about practice. It's about bowels.
You understand? Bowels!
Bowels and bladders.
"bowels and bladders?"
That's what it's about. See, kids have a certain, uh uh,
chemistry in their bodies that allows them to hold
and build up toxins in their bodies.
All I'm doing right now is working the toxins
off their body right now.
I'll take your word for it,
but we need more one-on- one instruction.
So you know more than me? Ho-ho!
You know more about baseball
than I know about baseball, huh?!
You don't want none of me, all right?
I gotta go.
You know, I-I...
Work it, kids!
Well there he goes. I don't know, is he a good coach?
Or was he being sarcastic with me?
I think he's a sincere man,
I just think that he's a little bit off.
Yeah.
So it's not me?
No, it's, it's not you at all.
I wish he'd spend more time here.
I mean, he's got the kids here and us here.
Yeah. Yeah.
[whispering] Geez.
What?
She's just a... big bowl of "Dear God."
Wow!
That's the commissioner's nanny, huh?
Yup. Angela.
You're obsessed, aren't you?
I wouldn't say the word "obsessed."
I'm not going home and thinking...
But I gotta tell ya, when I'm here...
Uh-huh.
I'm thinking.
Yeah.
When she's in front of me.
You know what would maybe be a good idea?
Why don't we ask Angela to get some of her friends out?
Tell them we're gonna have a little...
- ...charity softball game. - Mmm-hmm.
Them against us, or against the kids.
And tell them it's a charity for the, for the kids,
or the veterans, or something.
[laughing] For the veterans?
Yeah. And tell them it's a romp. They love that.
But anyways, if they think it's for the kids...
Look at her, look at her.
Yeah, that's a nice looking young lady.
But you gotta focus on the baseball field.
Yeah, I-I'm supposed to.
Yeah.
Yeah, well...
But I like the idea of a little, a little charity game.
Think about it. A charity romp. And balloons...
And just a big sign that says, "Thanks."
So, you know, they think they're...
You know what I'm gonna do? Right now?
I'm gonna go down and talk to her.
Okay. Tell 'em it's for an outreach program.
No, I'm not, I'm not... [laughing]
I'm not setting up your thing.
I don't even know what an outreach program is,
but they'll, they'll love it. People love to...
They'll do anything.
No, I'm not setting up the softball thing.
I'm just gonna go down and talk to her.
I've said "hello" to her and we've talked very little,
but I just wanna get to know her a little better.
- All right, good. - Okay?
- Hi Angela. - Hi.
Ah, what a beautiful day.
It's nice.
Practice is almost over. It's all good.
You like coming to practice?
I do.
So do I.
- Yeah? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I do.
I do, I do, I do. Love coming to practice.
Hey.
Hey!
- Hey, how are you? - Hi.
Good.
Okay, let's go.
All right, it was so nice talking to you.
Me too.
Oh, look.
Yeah?
Jack, hold up.
Come take a ride.
Take a ride in my brand new Camry.
Is this a beaut?
I just got it. Let's do the interview now.
I...don't know.
It's a hybrid! I just got it.
I just picked it up!
We'll ride around and we'll glide around.
I'm all pumped up on coffee. In the showroom,
I had two cups. It was free. Come on.
Is it all right?
Oh! Whatever you want.
All right, I'll meet you at home.
I'm gonna go ride in a brand new Camry.
I am gonna clip a coupon and order something.
[cell phone ringing] Okay, sounds good.
I'll see you later. Hey, you guys...
- Bye dad! - What do you feel like?
- Bye! - Hello.
[cell ringing] Hello? Hold on.
Hold on!
Hello!
You know how Bluetooth works?
Rosie's calling, I don't know how to answer it.
I'm pushing every button and... Oh God, all right.
Let's go. We'll just drop by the house
first for just a second. How 'bout that?
Sure, we'll drop by. This is a beautiful car.
Okay, go ahead. Ask. What do you wanna know?
Listen to how quiet.
Listen to that.
This car...running makes less noise than most cars
when they're turned off. It's a gorgeous car.
And listen, listen, listen. You can't hear anything.
Listen. Barely hear the door slam.
It's like a powderpuff.
It's not...I can hear it slam. It's not loud,
When I was a kid, I wanted a '67 Mustang. I got mine.
Here, come on in.
All right.
Honey?
Rosie?
Come in. Come in, please. Let's see...
Rosie? Oh, she's not here.
Well, this is where it all happens.
This is where the magic happens.
Every week,
we order pizzas from around the world.
What are pizzas from around the world?
I, you know, most people have their favorite pizzeria, you know.
We order pizza from, literally, I'm telling you,
20, 30 miles away. You just get a flavor from...
[stammering]
There's one way out call... Hinojosa's,
and it's delicious. It's a wonderful thing to have.
Mmm-hmm.
Memories, memories, memories.
[silence]
Pictures. Very nice.
This is the one I'm most proud of.
We were in Mesa, Arizona.
- You ever been to Mesa? - No.
It's hot.
I mean, it was burning.
You know, the type of burning, you know,
you could be in sandals, you could be in sneakers.
It doesn't matter. You still feel it beneath your feet.
And we rented the sombreros, the ponchos,
even had guns. He's got a gun. You can't see my gun.
Look at the tenacity on that kid's face.
And the women were scared. I'll give you that.
We were scared.
But dammit, we weren't gonna let anything cross us.
But you took that at, like, a photo, uh, place, right?
No, no, no. Not a ph...
It's one of those expansive places, you know?
I mean, way out, is, is, are the souvenirs and everything.
But just sort of...
A kiosk of some sort?
Wasn't a kiosk.
It was... You've got a photographer out there
and you, you, you go out... And you go out.
It was the west! We were in Mesa!
Mmm-hmm.
It was a... No!
No.
It was anything but a kiosk.
[light knocking on door]
Tony?
[door opening]
[whispering] S.O.F. [exhales]
Yeah.
That's great.
What's S.O.F.?
[whispering] "Soldier of Fortune."
Why you guys whispering?
[whispering] I can't let Rosie know
that I'm getting "Soldier of Fortune."
If she knows that I have "Soldier of Fortune,"
she'll kill me.
[whispering] Kill him. [chuckles]
- Okay. - Yeah.
That's great.
I can't believe... Have you been to the range?
[whispering] Every night.
Yeah. That's cool.
All right, I gotta hide this.
Okay, thanks buddy.
[exhales]
[both whispering] How you doing?
- Good, how you doing? - Good.
- I'm Max. - Hi, Max.
- I'm Tony. - Hey, Tony.
[loud, extended breath]
Is it hot out there?
It's great today.
Yeah, I was just out there.
I don't know why I even asked you if it was hot,
because I was just out there.
- It's great. - Yeah.
it's okay.
We're just whispering.
Well, it's just all part of the S.O.F. thing.
I don't wanna give it up and ruin it for you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Dude.
Take care, Tony.
Nice to meet you, Max.
Pleasure.
Honey?
I don't see her.
We started doing, uh, like Pennsylvania art.
Pennsylvania Dutch type of art, uh...
I like to call it "America Primitive."
It's a lot of wood. It's a lot more wood than I wanted.
This, believe it or not,
is where everything I have is kept
I've got shirts, I've got my pants, I've got my ties.
But this, this, this dresser...
To you, it's a little dresser. To me,
it's, it's my gargantuan world.
This is, this is my existence right here.
No, it's my dream...
to someday, maybe have an armoire, like, right here.
Harold, you don't need an armoire.
I don't need an armoire? Forget it, forget it!
Hartman called. He said it's a no-can-do on the Camry.
And I already, I drove it out of the lot already.
I'm so sorry! [stammering] I jumped way too quick.
I... 'cause I already drove it off the lot. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I always leap before I crawl
and I'm sorry. And I should have called him.
I should have asked you.
And, and I knew it. I'm, I was wrong.
How's little Jackie?
Oh, he's great.
- Aww... - Thank you for asking.
He's a great boy.
Yeah. He loves nature, doesn't he?
I suppose. As much as any kid loves nature.
So... I'm gonna get going.
Can you give me a ride home?
Oh, the flatbed's gonna be here any second
to load the Camry.
Already?
No, I'm sorry.
Yeah, can you use Rosie's car and uh, take me home?
That's a no-go.
No.
How about you, Rosie?
Can you give me a ride home?
Max... No-can-do.
I can call you a cab.
[sighs]
Shouldn't you guys uh, be practicing baseball?
No, we like soccer.
All right.
I gotta tell ya...
[laughing] What? What's with the cab?
Uh... [sighs]
They uh, wouldn't give me a ride home.
My imagination couldn't come up with the stuff
that I"m seeing. This behavior.
You know, when I wondered,
"what is her personal life like?"
I had no idea.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
[sighs]
- Come on! - Oh.
Dammit!
Follow through, Jackie!
Sweet stuff.
How's he doing?
[metal bat hitting ball]
Oh! There you go.
Relax, relax.
Faster!
All right, get out. Out.
Come on out. You're done.
Jack. That was great, man.
It's not a science.
Hey! Got a sec? Excuse me.
Who told you that?!
It is a science. That kid liked to you, all right?
What do you think these numbers are?
Now listen. Next time you go up,
I want you to glue that bat to your shoulder.
I don't want you swinging.
That's how you get a walk. [chuckles]
Okay? You know what else?
Try to get hit. Okay?
It doesn't hurt that much.
Have you ever got a shot at the doctor's?
It hurts like that.Takes a second. Goes away.
And then you get on base. Good!
Manny!
Do we play games with our shoes untied?
Do we play games with our shirt untucked?
No.
Do we play games with our belt undone?
No we don't. We don't live in a barn, Manny.
We're going to tuck in our shirt because...
we're not animals, right?
What does mommy always tell you?
"Go big or go home."
No. "Don't fuck up." Okay?
And you know what? I want you to have fun.
That's most important, okay?
And keep your elbows up. Got it?
Go have fun, killer. Elbows up!
I'm excited about coming over.
Oh... [laughs]
Oh, I'm really good with it. You're gonna enjoy it.
Okay, cool.
Bring all your tools.
Bring all my tools?
Yeah, bring your tools.
Bring all the stuff you need.
For what?
For whatever happens!
I'm just gonna talk to you.
Just bring a bunch of stuff.
When you say "a bunch of stuff," it's just so random.
It's random, but just bring anything.
- Hey coach! - [laughs]
- Hey! - Have a good game.
Motivated. Motivation!
- That's what it's about. - That's right.
Bring whatever you wanna bring.
Uh... No snacks.
- No. - Just stuff.
Okay.
All right? I'll see you later on, all right?
Have a good game, coach.
You damn right!
[cheering] Way to go, Stevie!
Throwing smoke!
Good arm! Good... arm!
[gasps] Max. Hi...
Umm...
- I hate to be nitpicky. - Mmm-hmm.
Just wondering when you're gonna have
that money ready? We...
are just keeping a running tab for you
and little Jackie!
- [chuckles] - Mmm-hmm.
Uh, little Jackie took one of my healthy muffins...
- He had one of the healthy muffins? - I was so proud of him!
- Yes! - Oh, okay.
They give you a lot of energy.
But I will... when I have some...
I don't have any extra cash today.
- Okay. - So I will...
Because they go towards the team
and towards the coach's gifts.
- I know... For everything. - Okay.
By the way, I think everyone should pay.
I'm with you.
- So I'm not against it. - A few bucks?
But I will. More than a few bucks.
I'm gonna throw in a big 20.
- Okay. - Okay.
- All right. - All right.
Okay.
[whooshing sound] [bat hitting ball]
When I played... and you were coaching...
Mmm-hmm?
What were the parents like?
Were they like these idiots?
I don't know. I didn't know most of 'em.
You didn't know 'em?
No. How would I get to know 'em?
They drop off their kids, they, they leave.
They didn't even hang out?
No. Why would they hang out?
Parents got things to do. That's...
What's wrong with you people?
That's what's wrong with you people.
You're so involved.
You know? Playing catch with your kids is good.
Showing up and saying, "Hey, nice job!"
or you know, whatever. That's good.
But all this involvement.
We just said what whatever coach says.
You don't remember the stuff your coach did?
And I was, like, "whatever, it's the coach.
Whatever coach says."
Okay. What if the coach tells your kid
to keep his bat on the shoulder
every time he goes up to bat?
That's what the coach said! See, that's my point.
We're in agreement.
Yeah, yeah.
We think alike.
I think just like you.
Do you know how often I, like, do something
and I go, "That's what dad would've done"?
Do you know how many times I do that?
- All the time. - Oh.
I learned a lot from you.
Well...
You're welcome.
Well, thank you. Thank you big time.
Big time.
I just don't buy it, I'm sorry.
I should have explained.
Now let me ask you guys a question.
And I want you to take this serious. Really consider it.
How much for you to go on the field and run in a circle
around the whole field during the game?
During the game, while people are watching?
People are watching. Yep.
Why would you do that? You'd be...
You'd be a jackass.
- How much money to be a jackass? - Oh!
2500 bucks.
That makes it just tempting.
Let's not get Uncle Sam involved.
- Yeah. - All right.
2500 cash, up front.
Sure... cash, my friend.
Yeah, how much would you do it for?
- I wouldn't do it. - What?!
- Stop it. - I wouldn't do it.
$250,000.
- Give me another number. - What?!
- A million dollars. - Nope.
- Two million dollars. - Nope.
Five million dollars.
It's not what I'm made of.
I'm just thinking sometimes, if we were
to play in one of these games,
how we would dominate.
Who, you and me?
Oh man, yeah.
It must be like how McGwire felt playing,
standing up there.
[smattered applause and distant chatter]
This is um, Hans. This is Max.
Hi Hans!
[Austrian accent] Nice meeting you.
You're the first Hans I've ever met.
Really? Want some?
Oh I'll have a couple, thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
We used to be roommates together in Paris
when we went to culinary school.
That was a great time, wasn't it?
- Oh, how about that? - That was fun.
- We had a really good time. - Oh cool!
- Um... I gotta go... - You and Hans.
Yeah, I-I... I'm gonna be right back.
I gotta go to the loo. Will you...
- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine!
I'll be back in a second.
- Just... hold my spot, yeah? - For sure.
She's going to the loo.
Which is normal to you. To me, it's uh...
it's usually the bathroom or the restroom.
Yeah.
So how long you been here for?
Just arrived. A couple days.
And your first time in America?
First time America.
Wow! Wow, wow. You enjoying it?
I love it. I just don't get this sport here.
It looks fun and...
It's very confusing, baseball,
for someone from... where you from?
I'm Austrian.
Austria. Hans from Austria
would not understand this right away.
I'm more soccer and skiing, you know?
Soccer's more simple to understand. You kick it.
You stop it. You kick in a goal.
You count the goal. It's easy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But here... What is this guy, for example,
doing there? He's just standing around
The ball to be hit to him, maybe?
Yeah. So you've never...
You've never even seen a baseball game?
First time.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Hey! Hey! [laughing]
Stranger on the field!
[laughing hysterically] Stranger on the field! Hey!
How you doing?
Get him off!
Who are you?
I'm Hans. Who are you?
I'm Jack.
Nice to meet you, Jack.
Max, who is that?!
I don't know!
Get outtta there!
Part of the game, coach?
No, it's not part of the game!
It's gonna be an automatic out.
Where's Hans?
Um... right there.
Bring it in! Off the diamond, now!
- What's he doing out there? - Hi, I'm Hans.
- That's it, let's go! - Nice meeting you.
That's illegal, dude. What you're doing is...
Great man.
Ooh, yeah!
See that?!
That's what happens around here!
[mild applause and distant chattering]
What are ya... What are you writing?
What I'm writing in here,
you could not comprehend in your brain of brains.
If I let you read this,
you would throw it down on the ground
and run to a mental institution
and check yourself in and request...
[bat hitting ball] a straightjacket.
You're very intense.
Throw it home!
Steven, I swear to God, get up right now!
Steven! Get up! Throw it home!
- You know that's her son, right? - Go! Go! Go!
and he should throw the fucking ball.
For a little kid, he's a huge pussy.
Suck it up! Suck it up!
Suck it up.
The compound, baby! Right?
This is your compound?
The compound.
Gotta use the bathroom? Use it now.
The porta-potty's over there.
Port-a-potty?
By putting a port-a-potty on my property,
people can't use my bathroom.
is people sitting their ass on my toilet.
Shangri-la! You know? Pool over there.
I sleep over there. Ladies?!
My buddy Max, right here.
Hi, Max Morris. How are ya?
Jackie.
- How are you, Jackie? - "The Chocolatier."
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
I call her "Tipsy Jessica."
- Tipsy Jessica? - Careful. [laughs]
Um... Jackie the Chocolatier?
- A real chocolatier? - A real chocolatier.
You should do my podcast.
What's your podcast?
It's like sex... and science. Like, together.
And we need to have volunteers come,
and they have to, like, take off their clothes...
But then, like, we do a radio show...
But like, people don't know that our clothes are off...
And so then, it's like a party...
But, like, you know, we don't like, fuck.
Unless you want to.
- That's like totally up to you. - No, I'm good, I'm good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
So nice to meet you.
Podcast, you can do what you wanna do.
So I got burgers and you know, I carry...
I carry the burgers, the hot dogs...
You ca... You say it like it's a, like it's a restaurant
You "carry the burgers."
Do you charge people for the burgers?
Of course I do.
What are you doing?
- that you charge people? - This is a compound.
When you're dealing with a compound,
these kind of things happen.
This is my buddy, over here. Freddy.
- Playa. - My dude, son.
You good, baby?
Ahh!
What's up? Who's this?
This is Max, right here.
Hey. Max Morris.
We don't don't this. We do this.
- Okay. - [laughing]
- Good to meet you, too. - All right.
Hey, so...
They sent him to keep the pool clean.
- The pool gets dirty. - Uh-huh.
A lot of people come through here.
They eat hamburgers. They eat hot dogs.
You know, they just dive into the water
without washing their ass. Always take a shower.
All right. So...
- What's up... - Here we go! Here we go!
- Whoo! - Big Time Sarah!
- [laughing] - That's right.
I brought the white bread.
Autobiography time.
- Oh yeah. Oh goody. - That's what we're here for.
- but let's get down to some business. - you all about my shit.
[stammering] What is this?
Autobiography.
We're all writing our autobiography.
You're all writing your autobiography.
That's why you're meeting up?
"Like me" on Facebook.
He has one.
- I have one. - Jackie!
Jessica has one.
- All right. - Jackie has one.
I'll just watch. Thank you.
I just kinda wanna end my book with, um...
"ambitions in chocolate."
Or "finding the chocolate lining in things."
That's a good title. That's a very good title.
Yeah, especially since it has to do with all that chocolate.
If you had to put your hand on your throat
to regurgitate, would you be afraid
to eat your own damn hand?
That's what I wanna know.
Well no. I'm not afraid to eat my hand.
I've had many hands shoved down my throat,
as you, as you all know. You know that.
Everybody knows that.
You hold a child, right?
You hold him, you know?
I never got that. I never got that!
- Aww... - I never got held.
- I'm a foster mom. - You're a foster mom?
Yeah, you wanna be held.
My things is this...
I got involved...with coaching...kids...baseball,
'cause I was a terrible baseball player myself.
The game tee ball? Remember tee ball?
You put the ball on a little tee.
- Oh yeah. - And you hit the ball.
I struck out playing tee ball.
And I never lived it down. I mean, that right there,
really motivated me to teach kids how to hit.
[stammering and voice cracking]
I apply hitting to everything.
Now you're hitting everything!
I'm hitting every damn thing.
- I'll be damned. - I'm hitting ass!
Hitting pools, hitting trailers, h-hitting t-shirts,
hitting the kitchen outside, hitting the gym set...
Last week you hit my car.
All I do is hit now! I'm a hit...
I hit-and-run last week.
Hit-and-run. But you hitting!
All I do is hit, hit, hit, hit.
That's what I want kids to do.
I want kids to get hits. Thus...
That's right.
Baseball.
Freddy.
I was just thinking about and writing about, like,
the first fight that I almost won.
He gave me a good shot in the stomach,
which kinda like stopped the whole fight.
So did you put that in your book?
- Yeah, it's in there. - You gonna put that in your book?
I mean, it happened.
- That's depressing. - I been there. I been there.
I had a fight with a guy when I was a kid, and we both lost.
- That's crazy. - That can happen.
How can you both...lost?
We both lost. It was, It was the most horrible fight
Was it like Rocky? Where you both, like...
- ...lay on the canvas? - No, it was just a terrible fight.
It was just a terrible fight.
There was no winner and we both lost.
It was the worst fight I've ever had in my life.
That's a shame.
It was, we both lost. [distant dog barking]
Jessica?
Uh, you know, you don't have anything written down.
I mean, I know we offered to help out...
I got it all up here.
- Oh! - She's smart.
- She's fucking brilliant. - She is smart.
- She's very smart. - I wish I could retain...
He's gonna, he's gonna help me write it.
Yeah, I was gonna... She was gonna come over
tonight and then we was just gonna...chill.
- Practice your penmanship. - Yeah, pretty much.
- Okay. - Okay.
- I got it. - What?
- I get it. You get it? - I think I do.
I mean, she's gonna get it. I mean...
I know she's gonna get it.
How much do you get for a book deal?
That's what I need to know, 'cause
[hiccoughs] my book's about my brand.
And like getting, how to get a brand.
- All right, you like that? - Yeah, I like that.
I'm gonna go swimming.
[upbeat, jazzy music ♪]
[gentle door knocking]
Can I...get you a glass of wine or something?
- No, I'm fine. - Okay.
Can you just do me a favor, and stay behind...
right there? You could lean,
do whatever, I just, this is, you know, kind of a...
cooking space and it needs to be sanitary
and all that stuff, so...
Okay, sure.
- Right here is good?
- Yeah, perfect!
All right.
Can I get you anything? Noth... Hey!
Keep those sneakers away from my kitchen.
Uh-huh.
Mmm. All right.
So your place has a lesbiany vibe to it.
It really does. I feel like I'm in a lesbian home.
There's lesbiany and not lesbiany...
Excuse me, what do you mean? What should...
[stammering] Is the house lesbiany?
What should a "house lesbiany" be...
- ...in your opinion? - I don't know...
I've never been in a lesbian house.
Actually, to be honest, it is quite lesbionic.
It's very lesbian.
Lesbionic?
- Well... - Is that a real word?
I think as real as lesbiany, but it's, it's very...
Oh, baby! Hi, sweetheart!
- Hi. - How ya doing?
Did you have fun?
- I'm good. - Did you wash your hands?
No!
We're gonna eat in like an hour.
Permission to enter my own fucking kitchen?
Yes, but can you take off your shoes, babe?
No, I'm not taking off my...
We have guests! I'm not taking off my shoes.
I know but, don't touch!
What are you making? It stinks in here.
- Babe, I'm making a quiche. - Ich.
A fantastic quiche.
you're gonna make a huge quiche for who?
Manny's gonna eat it and you're gonna eat it and I'm gonna eat it.
Manny needs red meat. He has a game coming up.
Why are you feeding my son quiche?
What's wrong with quiche?
Don't feed my son quiche.
She's trying to turn him gay.
I believe it. You know, this is her dream.
Don't tell me this isn't your dream.
- That's charming. - This is her dream.
- Super-charming. - I croak...
because I'm a super athlete
and we always die young. 'Cause even though...
you know, we work our bodies like a horse...
- I die young... - Thoroughbred.
she moves to New York City,
which she never stops talking about,
in a little apartment
with her gay son...
- He's not gay. - ...and his lover.
- Manny is so not gay. - She's trying to make him gay.
...and his lover, because here's her theory.
Gay men take care of their moms.
That's not a theory, that's a fact, my friend.
So he'll make her up, put a wig on her, slap some...
take her to the Met ball.
That's what she thinks!
It's very specific 'cause it's just occurring to me.
Why is it that lesbians, who clearly...like women,
they seem to...
One of them tends to be more masculine
than the other one.
And it seems to be that they're almost mimicking
heterosexual couples in a way.
Who do you think that is in this couple?
You know what's interesting?
You're like the exception to the rule.
You guys are.
[bouncy, jazz music ♪]
It's a long fly ball, going back towards the wall!
He's going back! He's going back!
And he snags it! [laughs]
Just in front of the wall. I do that every time.
That's a... here, take one.
A double off the wall, in your case.
That looks really comfortable.
It isn't really, but it's worth the joke every time.
- Oh my god. - So...
This is a great place to hang out
and watch the ball game.
Ah-hah.
Yeah, I love baseball. I love watching it.
I played it. I had dreams of uh, of being good.
I played, I got an... offer of a scholarship to Ball State,
but I didn't wanna go...
You know, I thought it would be a lot of jokes.
You turned down a scholarship
based on the school's name?
I was cocky, you know? I thought...
And then I wanted to go down to Stetson.
Did you ever hear of that? That's down in Florida.
Yeah, that's in Florida.
Near Orlando, if I'm not mistaken.
Yeah, it is on the east coast.
But someone said, "Oh,
you're gonna go into the hat business?
So, it's uh, it's gonna be a good season.
Your kid is a pretty cracker jack ball player.
You think so? I don't think so.
No? Well, I don't know.
Your son's the one who's good.
Well, we're looking ahead. We're looking to college.
I want him to get a, uh...
I'm hoping for scholarship, uh...
I'm hoping for pro ball. Making the big show.
That's what I'm concentrating on.
Yeah, I just have a feeling. He's not there yet, but um,
I'm gonna keep pounding and keep after him. And uh
make sure he wants to do it.
You know, sometimes he's not sure
and I have to tell him, uh, that he wants to do it.
I take him out to the ball game and he loves it.
Sometimes kids don't know what they want.
Um, I've actually pitched to Rick.
And what you've got to do is hit him a couple times
with the ball. Then they're not afraid of it anymore.
You hit him? What, you pitch the ball and hit him?
Just pitch at him. Watch out!
Don't tell him I said that.
Can you imagine me telling your son
that you throw at him, uh, on purpose?
And the trouble is, he's still afraid...
That made him more afraid.
It would make me more afraid too.
That's the craziest logic I've ever heard.
But now he knows what it feels like to be...
But, I mean, he's ten.
Shouldn't it just be for fun now, or...
Why does it have to be so serious?
Yeah, it could be for fun now.
You know, you gotta think of the future.
If you let kids just have fun, uh...
they wouldn't do anything.
Oh crap. Why do we bet on horses?
I-I don't get on horses.
[sighs] Well... It can be fun if you ever win.
But you don't know what the hell is going through their mind.
Well that's it. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Good luck with your project.
Aren't we gonna go look in the house?
Uh, you can't get in the house now, umm...
I can't get in? You live out here?!
Yeah, yeah, temporarily. I'm, uh...
This is where I crash, uh...
- Right now... - Where does Ricky live?
He's with wife number two.
Mmm-hmm.
Andrea's number...
I'm joking, she's just number four.
Uh...but she's the one...
I-I think we're gonna get back together.
But I wanna give her some time.
And right now, I don't want any part of that.
Very nice house.
Thank you.
You know, can I just say something?
Sure.
Just a... I just wanna say...
It is so...nice of Marty...
to let you have this beautiful house
while he sits out there.
And I'm not saying that you should feel guilty
or invite him in. You're divorced. I...
You've... However you've done it,
you've earned this place, what have you, but...
What are you talking about?
I'm paying this house, not him.
I'm letting him stay.
You're letting him stay? [cell phone ringing]
Yeah. Oh, wait. I've gotta take this call.
- Hold on a sec, please. - Okay.
[sighs] [phone continues to ring]
Hey! Umm... Today's not a good day.
Oh, it's not? All right.
Well I appreciate your time anyhow. Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Thank you very much.
I didn't mean to bother you or anything.
It's all right.
So it's really important to ice the shoulder
that you don't use as much?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
That's just as tired as the throwing arm.
Huh, all right. You eat a lot of fruit.
Oh yeah, I love fruit. In the morning, though.
A lot of vegetables?
Love veggies.
Work out a lot?
Every day.
Yeah, I don't know how you live like that.
It's not for everybody.
Yeah.
Get it in! Get it in!
Come bring it over here!
Coach Jimbo's got something to say!
Parents too!
You going over to the meeting?
Yeah, we'll be there in a minute.
All right.
Line 'em up!
- Line 'em up. - Parents too, please!
Parents, you understand? Team parents.
Line up, parents! Make a circle.
I can't express to you how important this Friday is.
But he will!
If we win Friday, we get in the playoffs!
Playoff time!
If we don't win, we're out!
We out!
- If we lose. - If we lose.
We're gonna win!
But we gonna win.
Here's what we're gonna do!
We don't have the field before the game!
That means you gotta practice at home!
That means, parents! [snaps fingers]
Down to the batting cages!
And bring the kids with you!
Three things!
No skateboarding.
- No scootering. - Please!
No swimming. But most importantly...
[whispers] ...no swimming.
- No baths! - No swimming!
Do not get in the water!
Okay, I don't need any injuries!
You can take a bath. They can take a bath.
But I'd prefer a shower.
Don't submerge your body under water!
That's right. You can shower!
All right, you got your marching orders!
Let's go! Go Cubs!
Go get 'em!
Ah, I think I got through to them. Not sure.
[Coach Jimbo]: I'm gonna call, followup with an email...
Hezekiah, you have my word,
this is the last time I'm gonna ask you.
But it would just mean so much to me,
if I could just spend a minute with you.
Here. Now. Just like, let's just talk. Just for a minute.
I couldn't even if I wanted to.
I'm already talking to somebody about a movie.
You're talking to somebody about a movie? Who?
Don't worry about it. Somebody. People.
Somebody on the team?
I can't tell you that.
I can tell you that Barnaby and I are gonna be living the high life.
Okay.
That's right. Walk away.
Baby, you're not breathing. [bat hitting ball]
Ah! That's my... that's a breathe. You see?
Of course he's breathing. He has to breath.
What do you know about baseball anyhow,
that you're telling him this?
Jack, that's it, because you're breathing, honey!
Well, lemme tell you this. Hezekiah?
- Yeah. - He's planning on a movie.
He's planning on making a movie, come on!
Oh please, come on. That's not important, Max.
It's just not. This is what's important.
All right, Jack. What do you say,
after we're done here we go swimming?
I'd love to go swimming!
He'd love to go swimming!
No swimming!
- Yes. - No swimming.
Yes.
You go. Your turn.
Okay, okay.
- What? - Enough. Good.
That's enough swimming. Good.
It's enough swimming? We've hardly been in here.
That's it!
That's crazy.
It's not crazy, it's the coach's orders.
Everybody out of the pool!
Can't you see that the coaches orders
make no sense whatsoever?
I actually do not see that, to tell you the truth.
I think they make a lot of sense.
What could possibly happen to him?
I'm just... I'm supporting the coach.
What's wrong with supporting the coach?
Let me tell you something about supporting the coach.
I just had a little talk with Jack, okay?
And we have decided...
You're in agreement with me, correct?
He is no longer going to keep the bat on his shoulder.
When he sees a pitch he wants to hit,
he's going to swing away. Is that correct sir?
Yep.
That is correct. Did I force you to say that?
Did I intimidate you in any way?
Okay, your honor, I, uh...
Max.
I rest my case.
You're teaching him to go up against authority.
You know what? You're right.
I apologize.
Jack, you do not automatically go up against authority.
But I'll tell you something, man. Big lesson.
You're a little young to bring it up,
but I'm gonna tell you right now.
Question authority. Question it constantly.
Question, question, question.
I'll tell you something else.
He's more concerned with
what snacks they serve after a game. That's right.
So let's say you have a choice.
You can have cupcakes for a snack after the game.
Uh, but if you do that, your team loses nine to six.
Or you guys win nine to six and you...get celery.
Which would you choose?
Lose and get a cupcake.
Lose and get a cupcake!
These are great life lessons.
I say that's the attitude of a winner!
Yeah, no. These are uh, just the greatest
life lessons you are teaching our son.
I don't even wanna do this movie anymore.
- No more research. - Good!
I just wanna go watch my son...
have fun playing baseball.
I wanna watch our son, too,
have fun, winning at baseball.
I think it's actually rude of us and wrong
to even watch him play.
I think the one thing kids don't need to play baseball
is parents.
For parents one game a season.
They can call it "Parents Game."
And the kids will know that that game sucks.
And what are you gonna do when parents can come?
Jack? Your coach is your leader.
You have to respect what he says. -All right.
If he tells you to keep the bat on your shoulder,
he knows how to win.
The coach knows how to win, Jack.
Oh my God.
Bring it in! Bring it in!l
Oh my God.
Everybody bring it in!
What the hell's going one?
Bring it!
Gather round! Gather round!
The coach is rolling in.
Not all right. Uh, parents, take a knee.
Take a knee. Parents, take a knee.
Um, if you don't mind, I'm not gonna take a knee,
because I've got pebbles in there and it hurts.
I'll do it on the grass. Not here, please.
Okay, okay. So listen.
We've got a challenge, all right?
It's called a challenge.
I know that I told you a few days ago...
no swimming!
He said no swimming at all!
Well, the other night, I...
thought I'd take a quick dip.
He dipped!
No! No! No! No swimming!
- No swimming! - I'm not proud of it.
Ah!
Coach is human.
That's what they learn today.
They find out I'm human. I'm not a god.
I'm not perfect like they thought.
You know what I have to say?! Poof! Poof!
The game goes poof.
Hey! Coach's lesson.
This is not a coach's lesson.
I hope... it was worth it, coach.
Because this is the most important day
of these kids' lives.
It's a very important day for all of us, coach!
And what are we gonna do now, huh?
- Our kids don't win this game today, - Turn me around.
they don't win the game next week!
I'm not looking at you until you look at me...
with admiration!
Fuck you!
Don't you ever! Ow!
Don't watch! Don't look! Don't look! Turn away!
Turn around, turn around.
The children mustn't see the coach in a moment of weakness!
Turn around. Everybody turn around.
[umpire]: Play ball!
[distant crowd chatter]
Striiike!
That's it!
Way to go, Ricky!
That's it, Manny!
That a boy!
What's on going on out there?! You all good?!
[chuckles] Man!
Hello.
Oh, hi.
I'm good. How are you?
You enjoying your day today?
Yeah, it's been fabulous.
Everyday is fabulous, right?
It is.
Must be really nice being sunshine.
Yeah. -Right?
Ah! I should have my dark shades on.
- Oh, yeah. - [laughs]
You know? A lot of guys would see a lady like you...
and go for a home run.
Oh...
You know what I prefer to do?
- I like hits. - Yeah?
Right? Like getting on base.
First base. Second base. Third base.
Mmm-hmm.
Load the bases up.
And then what happens?
[bat hitting ball] - Oh!
I bring everybody home. [cheers and applause]
You like that idea?
- I love it. - Heart that?
They're cheering for me right now!
What did I miss?
Oh! The coach broke his leg!
- What? - He showed up in a cast.
A full body cast up to his hip!
'Cause he was swimming!
He went swimming.
- The coach broke his leg swimming? - Yes!
You're kidding, right?
No. No, we don't have a coach.
After all that?!
Oh my god! That's hysterical!
No, it's not hysterical.
It's the furthest thing from hysterical!
We don't have a coach!
- Okay. I won't, uh, enjoy it. - Ah!
Eyes forward! Have you guys seen Coach Ted?
[altogether]: No!
No, we haven't seen him anywhere.
We'd love to know where he is.
Ambrose, can you cover first?
- It's gonna cost you, coach. - How much?
Only $100.
- 100 bucks?! - Yep.
No! [scoffs]
- No! - I'll do it.
[exhales] Woman cannot coach!
Who else? [stammering] Who can cover first?
- Come on! - I can, coach.
No, not gonna happen. Who else?
I can coach, but it has to be third base.
I've got to be the one that flags the runners home.
Not gonna happen. Max, will you help me?
No, no. I'm not comfortable with doing it.
I'm not a woman! I can coach!
No. No!
- Max, get out there! - [sighs]
All right, I will coach... first base.
[indistinguisable chatter]
Oh! Roger!
I'm spinning my wheels!
Get me some sand! Get some sand!
You make me sick to my ass!
I don't even know what that means.
I don't.
Wow, Max. First base...
Big job. Big job!
Come on, hustle! Hustle, Max!
[clears throat]
Sorry, Blue.
Come on! Get in position!
Replacement coach.
No, no. Too close to the base!
Rule book. Three feet.
Watch me. Watch me!
All right, Jack!
All right.
All right, Jackie! Rest that bat!
Just don't... don't try anything!
Striiike!
[cheering and applause]
That was a beauty. He should have swung!
You know, he, he's got a strategy.
He's, he's doing what the coach is telling him.
That's right! And that is a good thing!
- That's a very good thing, - Good thing.
No, no swinging.
Striiike!
Number two, Jack.
- All right, all right. - That's okay.
[encouraging applause] - That's great, Jack!
- Eyes here! - Elbows up!
Eyes here, Max!
Striiike three!
- Oh! - Way to go, way to go!
- It was a beautiful pitch! - That's okay!
- That is okay, baby! - Jack, it's all right!
Why didn't he swing?
All right, hold on! Stevie!
- That's okay. - Stevie!
- There you go! - Come on, Stevie!
Hush, hush. Let him concentrate.
- Swing away! - Come on!
There's a ball!
- Yeah, that's the way! - Good eye, good eye!
That's the way! Good eye!
- Good eye. - Swing away!
Ball!
Way to keep an eye on the ball, son!
- There you go! - Come on, honey!
What?! What?
He called it right.
- Ball three! - Very good.
- Very good, son! - Let him pitch to you!
- Don't worry!
You let him throw you a good pitch, huh?
I don't even think he's aware of the ball.
The guy can't throw.
Ball four! [cheering and applause]
Take your base.
Take your base! Take your base!
- Take your base! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You're on base! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Take your base! - You're on base!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - You earned it!
- You're on base! - Good eyes, Blue!
Good job, good job. It's just like a hit.
- Just like a hit, Steven. - Thank you.
Okay, here's how you do this...
Sir! Do not touch the child!
Don't touch him!
- Do not touch the child! - Don't touch the kid!
- Do not touch the child! - Don't touch him!
- You can't touch the child... - Rule book!
Page 37!
- Okay, I won't touch him! - No touching.
Okay, so take as big a lead as you want.
And when he throws the ball...have fun.
- Okay. - Steal if you feel like it.
- Have you stolen before? - No.
- Then today's the day. - All right.
[upbeat, jazzy music ♪] [no other sound audible]
[♪]
[mumbling] Let's do this!
Eyes forward! Listen up!
Seriously, has anyone seen Coach Ted?
Have you seen him?!
[altogether]: No.
Gah! [sighs]
All right, fine. Listen...
This is it. [exhales]
Last inning. Last at bat.
We're down by one.
If we don't win this, we don't go to the playoffs.
And if we don't go to the playoffs...
it's like we didn't... even... exist!
There will be no monument to you.
There will be no tribute.
No one will sing your name in a song!
We're smoke. [imitates the wind]
We're nil. Think about that.
Get out there and play your pants off!
[mumbling] Let's go!
Can you? Get me out!
Push me! Owww!
They gotta have posts everywhere!
Let's go, coach! Get your batter up!
- Get your batter up! - Let's go, let's go!
Okay dokie, here we gokie!
- Get your batter in the box! - Max, watch me, okay?
I am... I'm watching you. What...
- Pitcher! - No batter, pitch it!
What? Huh?
What are... What are you doing?!
Striiike!
- Batter! We need a batter! - What?!
- Batter! Batter! - Who's up? Who's up?!
You can't throw to no batter
We need to have somebody out there.
Striiike!
No! Barnaby, get out there!
Now!
[excited crowd chatter]
Come on, you're down two!
- Barnaby, don't swing at it! - Only if it's good, kid.
Fundamentals!
Striiike three!
Good day, sir!
Come on, use your eyes! Max, watch me!
I'm watching you!
I've spent the whole time watching you!
I'm not getting this "watch me" stuff.
Fundamentals!
Strike three! Good day, sir!
Weak! Weak!
All right, well now we're in a big hole!
- A weak at bat! - All right, Bennett!
- Bennett! - Yes!
Batter up! Here we go!
- Here we go. - Two down!
[loud cheering] - Go, go, go!
In your face, pitcher!
Get a good lead. Get a good lead...
- as soon as he throws it. - In your face!
- All right, Manny! - Whoo!
Keep your elbows up!
Come on, use your eyes!
Breathe, Manny! Breathe!
- Swing for the fences! - Two down, two down!
- Go, go, go! - Let's go, let's go!
Hold up, hold up!
Hold it up! Hold it up!
Keep your foot on that base.
Great job, Manny!
My God, did you see that? How was that?
Ah, Jack. [clicks tongue]
[whispering] Let's go, Jack.
[sighs deeply]
[whooshing sound]
- What am I doing here? - [chuckles]
I don't want to be involved in this shit.
Oh, come on. You love it.
I love the boy. And I love baseball.
I don't know that I love this shit.
[loud sigh]
You're doing great.
Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
I'm gonna be okay.
I'll do it. I can do it.
Nothing to freak out about.
[whooshing sound] [encouraging applause]
Rest the bat!
Like we talked about, Jack!
Striiike!
Just swing.
No swinging!
Keep the bat on your shoulder!
Striiike two!
Oh, come one!
[whispering] Swing.
I can't watch.
Remember what we talked about!
Keep the bat on your shoulder.
Rest the bat, Jack.
Pray for a walk, here.
Two down!
[wild cheering and applause]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
No, don't touch him!
Out!
- What? - Out!
I told you not to touch the child!
The Cubs forfeit! A's win!
Good day, sir!
- What?! - Out!
- No! - What's happening?
No touching the child! He's out!
What are you talking about?!
That's my son!
I warned you! Do not touch the child!
He hasn't gotten a hit all season! We hugged!
- I said, "Don't touch him!" - They already scored!
I warned you not to touch the child!
What do you mean, you warned me?!
You touched the child!
Cub's forfeit! A's win!
That's crazy!
You know what? You're a fucking idiot!
What the fuck are you talking about?!
You, You're not allowed to touch the child, sir!
You hugged the child!
I hugged the child?!
What the fuck's wrong with you?!
You know who needs a hug?!
You do, you fucking piece of shit umpire!
You need a hug! That's right!
[laughing crazily] [grunting angrily]
Who needs a hug? You!
You accident-prone, swimming-fearing,
locksmith brother-hating,
copy-making piece of shit motherfucker!
You! You!
You need a hug! Fuck you!
Who are you?
I got no clue who you are!
You're a parent from the other team!
That's who you are!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
[whispering] You fuckers, you fuckers.
You ruined everything for me!
Fuck you! Fuck all of you.
You, you!
You, you Soldier of Fortune-hiding...
He reads Soldier of Fortune!
I love ya! I love ya!
[laughing crazily] I love ya! Oh!
And look at you guys.
What are you all uptight for?
You're always so fucking happy!
Look at you!
Always got something to say!
You know what you two should do?
You two should fuck! That's right!
The two of you should be pumping away.
Pumping away!
How's this for an instructional video?!
You cocksucker!
Let daddy squeeze the lesbian out of you!
[whispering] I know you don't have any money.
And, uh, it's okay. Just be yourself.
You don't need to have a lot of money for that.
I'm not gonna hug ya!
'Cause you're not wearing a shirt!
Nanny goat! Nanny goat! Rah, rah, rah!
At night... I jizz on the field!
I jizz all over the field!
This is for all... the married men everywhere.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Oh yes! Oh yes! Whoo-wee!
[laughing madly and catching breath]
[under his breath]: What was I thinking?
[cheerful, jazzy music ♪]
[song ends ♪]
[♪ Glassell Park: "Calm Me Down"]
[song ends ♪]
[distant sounds of kids playing]
[metallic tape measure wobbling]
[wobbling continues]